A Year In Review

Holy Fuckballs...my birthday is in a week. My twentieth birthday...two decades? Really? Sophomore year of college?

1 Year Ago-

September 1st 2010- I'm super anxious to begin college (this is when my insomnia began). I'm hyper aware of the fact that I move into my first dorm ever TOMORROW! I've known my roommate for years, she's the best, I feel comfortable leaving the house I've felt safe in for 10 years to live with her. I have no idea what I'm in for!

September 7th 2010- My birthday. I've made friends and I love college (little do I know I grow to dislike these initial "friends" I made) I've just found out my mom ordered me a cake for my special day! I invite everyone at college who i went to high school with, and the few new friends I've made. The cake is huge like my mothers heart. The company ends up to be just me, my roommate, and our mutual good friend from high school. Looking back it seems sad...but as I can remember I felt happy eating a huge cake with two people I knew truly cared.

Back to The Present-

This birthday I know I have many more friends to send me well wishes. I'm excited to see what we will do!
I also know how much I've grown. What strength I lack after the "freshman fifteen" I've made up for mentally. I realized true happiness came from being honest with myself, even if it hurt. I found what having a best friend means. I put my emotions aside to help my friends when they needed me, and learned to expose those emotions when I needed them. I learned love can be ridiculously painful, but that it doesn't have to be. That a smile can change a person's day. That I am not as stupid and ugly as I tell myself I am.

Although as rights-of-passage's go 20 is not a big deal, I grew up more during this year than I have in the last decade. I can only hope that this year will be a HAPPY continuation of self-revalations. 

4 a.m.

Its so quiet.

I've gotten to know 4 a.m. for a while now...my head seems to like it better than 4 p.m., I'm assuming thats why I'm awake.

Theres a lot of random shit you can do at 3-5 in the morning. For instance:

• Follow random twitter accounts till you end up in some crazy country with a girl tweeting about pigmy elephants.
• You can increase your knowledge, by "stumbling" (on StumbleUpon.com) for hours on end. 
• You can read a 500 page book
• Watch an entire season of "The L Word"
• Cry for no reason
• Cry for every reason you can think of in the world
• Listen to your roommate snore
• Eat
• Do your nails
• Do naked yoga
• Text a whole bunch of people, but know you won't get a response for hours because every normal person is sleeping!
• Eaves-drop on the drunk couple fighting in the hallway
• Watch strange shows on the hundreds of channels you haven't explored
• Write a blog post...

So clearly I'm at my last resort. I cannot sleep. Today this is probably my fault because I made the large mistake of taking a three hour nap around 6pm...buut I was sooo tired!!

Sometimes, however, I simply can't sleep for no apparent reason at all. This really bugs me, I love sleeping just let me goddamn-it! 

My mind is constantly racing...I think about people I've lost, people I love, people I haven't met yet. I think about school, work, blogging. 

I've been thinking a lot about how flakey I've been this summer. I've made a lot of plans with a  lot of people that never went through. Usually because I bailed. I think I felt alone this summer, I needed to feel alone. I needed to know that I'm not in that relationship anymore, but I can be my own person. I didn't want to see people that reminded me of him, so I simply avoided them. I did a really good job of being alone, so much so that I feel so genuinely lonely.

I go back to college in two days, I cannot wait! I mean I'm definitely nervous. I'm living in a new room, with a new roommate, in a new building. I'm worried about having panic attacks, if I'll bother my roommate with my anxiety.  Right now I'm focusing on the positives! I'm living with my best friend surrounded by more best friends. I get to feel the rush and independence of college again and get to bond anew with my beautiful college town.

Hello 4 a.m., we've been rather productive :)

A Walk Down Memory Lane (Post From Previous Blog)

I've always wished I was super cool and trendy but blissfully unaware of how cool I really was. This is not the case. I assure you.

It's me ya'll!

However, I am learning who I am. This fact in itself is pretty darn cool. It's been a while since I've written so I'm going to have to back track a bit.


If winter quarter was april showers, then spring quarter is may flowers. In fact May has been a beyond amazing month so far, and we're only on the eighth day! During the beginning of spring I was feeling a bit down and I wanted to connect to something, someone, anything really. My BFF Katie convinced me to go to a Christian Bible study. (Just so we're clear, I've been raised jewish...bat mitzvah and all) I've always considered myself to be open minded and I believe being open minded means you try to give everything and everyone a chance. Bible study was very interesting and I'm glad I went because during it I looked inside myself and realized that I'm jewish through and through and christianity just wasn't for me.


The second time I realized this was when I decided to attend a Passover Seder at Hillel (aka the building where you can find all the jews on a college campus). There was a twist to this Seder, it was all women and followed a feminist format. HOW FREAKING COOL IS THAT!? It was amazing, so many powerful college jewish women gathered around a table reading about standing up for women and gay people and eating a vegetarian meal. I felt totally connected and in awe of the sacred beauty of two of my biggest spiritual connections, feminism and judaism.

Via Hella Gloire

This leads to my next epiphany. Chris. Chris blows my mind every I talk to her, she has expanded my world in unbelievable proportions. I met Chris last quarter, in where else but group therapy. (OH HEY YA'LL IF YOU'VE NEVER SEEN THE SHOW "BEING ERICA" PLEASE DO SO!) At the time we met I was in a lackluster relationship with Raymond, who I love dearly, but just not as a boyfriend anymore. I was also still mourning Kayla's jump back into the straight world. Chris had a girlfriend, but she made my stomach spin every time she opened her mouth during our sessions. There was something about Chris that I fell in love with the moment I laid eyes on her. Winter quarter ended and so did group, I was sad to leave for many reasons, but especially because I didn't know if I would see Chris again. We were friends on facebook and we began to message back and forth. Eventually we exchanged numbers and met up at an LGBT dance. She introduced me to all of her friends as her "friend Bri, who is just wonderful!". I think I fell asleep beaming. Her girlfriend and her broke up, Raymond and I broke up. We continued to talk and hang out, she drag me out of my dorm more than I'd ever left it before! We went to pride week events, International Film Festival movies together, she gave me books like Rubyfruit Jungle, I was amazed by her depth and maturity. Each time I saw her I never wanted to leave. Finally after last weekend when we met each other's mothers I knew I wanted to tell her how I felt. She felt the same, and the next day she kissed me.

Via Effindykes

Chris is a senior. She's graduating in three short weeks. I am trying to take things one step at a time and I don't want to fall in love again like I did with Kayla, but it's going to take all I have not to.


In the last month or so I've realized I'm totally a Queer Jewess, and I never want the month of May to end.

Via Effindykes

Here We Go!

Post numero uno.

I'm a little nervous starting out on my own. Have you ever noticed it's much easier to do something under the guise of a group? Well, it is.

My last blog was super fun to write. With Em by my side I could do no wrong, and she was always there to post when I was lagging. Now I have to start a new school year without Em as my roommate, thus a new blog.

I'm starting over, turning a new leaf, <insert beginning cliche here>. So we will start with this blog!

Over the last year I am a completely different person, one I never knew I could be.

Here were some lovely things I learned about myself:

• I never thought I'd actually make it to college (I was scared shitless!)
• I didn't think I could ever be on my own (aka single for the last 6+ months)
• I can be honest with myself about who I really am
• I can still find my connection to God, even after all I've seen
• I'm not very good at making a plan and sticking to it
• I can live (barely) without gluten
• My heart heals faster than my wisdom teeth :/
• I am finding that I love me!
• I'm also finding that I really really like girls ;)
• I am capable of making a wonderful group of friends

This all began last year, and I talked about it a lot in my last blog. (I'll include a post from said blog)

I cannot wait for this year. I have a super close group of amazing, funny, easily agitated friends who love me unconditionally...well maybe with a few conditions. I am living with one of them, who is pretty much my twin in everything except for looks. And I have no strings attached, so I'm gunna live the good college girl single life!

This is a boring post to just let you know a little about why I'm writing this blog. They will get juicy don't you worry!