I Think I May Poop My Pants

I have to get this out of my head.

This trip is so not a big deal right? Most people would just be super excited to have this amazing opportunity right? Well, for me it's not so.

My eye has been twitching ALL DAY! Everywhere I go, a subtle reminder of how freaking nervous I am!

Okay, don't get me wrong, I am also super excited. I know this is going to be a life influencer for me, but it still scares the living day lights out of me.

I do not like to travel long distances by myself. On a plane I feel super claustrophobic and crated. I mean, you can't just pull over a plane if you need to puke or something. Planes do not pull over. They also like to shake like crazy right when you think you've relaxed, a subtle reminder that they are miles above the earth and could crash land at anytime.

Oh yeah, and the world is supposed to end tomorrow.

Not that I actually believe that the world will end, but I do believe there are some, uh, interesting people out there who do. I really really hope that these people do not decide to do anything crazy with either of my planes tomorrow.

Okay so I'm paranoid. This is just want comes with anxiety. I get sucked into this huge hole of paranoia where all I want to do is run and hide under my covers and cry till it's over. I can't do that anymore, I don't want to do that anymore. I'm really scared, but I have to do this. I have to prove to myself that I can do this.

Here are somethings I really dislike about having what I like to call "panic sagas". I like that better than an attack, because they seem to last for a very frustratingly long time. Anyway, first thing that happens with a panic saga is the insomnia. A few nights before, or during some long anticipated event, I will not be able to sleep. Or I won't be able to fall asleep until passed 4 am. (Meaning I probably won't sleep at all tonight considering I leave tomorrow at 4am.) Next, the eye twitching, or some other random muscle spasm. It's usually kind of obvious and gross looking. Then comes the tummy churning. An audible noise followed by horrendous cramping. This is when I nearly poop my pants for about 48 hours. It's lovely. Then there is the distractive picking. I will pick at some sort of dead skin to try and distract myself from the anxiety, instead I end up looking really fucked up to the people around me.  And sometimes it gets to the point where I cry uncontrollably until I vomit. Luckily, that hasn't happened in quite a few years and I am hoping to keep it that way.

So the end. I need to finish packing. I need to stop nearly pooping myself. I need to take a deep breath and realize that although the wind and rain are howling at my window, the world will not end tomorrow. I will make it through this experience, and I will be stronger for it.

Lots of love!
I am to head out in the wee hours of tomorrow, and will keep you updated.
And if tomorrow the world really ends, let my final words to you be:

BOOYAH BITCHES!

Loving Bri

Its been a long time. I don't know if I'd say too long.

This year has been a busy one and as all of my college years thus far have been, a year of discovery.
I'm a junior in college now. Just finished my first semester. Even though I barely made it through, I made it! I made it as a President of Jewish Women of Ohio, I made it as a fundraising chair of another amazing group, I made it to a semester with a GPA of 3.5.

I'm back at my family home now. I miss my apartment and my suite mates like mad. I really enjoy being around my family though. I forgot how amazing they really are, and how willing they are to help me with anything that comes up. There is also, my puppy. She's the love of my life.

Love, it's been an interesting year for that. I suppose the reason I really dropped off the face of the blogging world was because I fell in love. Ford eventually agreed to be my boyfriend, and we were together for 10 great months. It was hard, but it was something I'll never regret. Ford is a wonderful person. And during our time together, I realized quite a few things. I realized I was more lonely with him them I'd ever been. I realized I didn't love myself. I in fact nearly hated myself.

I couldn't give Ford what he deserved, I couldn't give anyone I loved what they deserved, because I couldn't find true love in myself.

I had to figure out why I hated myself so. This started as a very hard journey, one of discovery. I blamed myself for so many things. I held in so many things that they began to poison me. I needed to shed that cover I kept over myself. I began to delve into the inner vault. I came to terms with the fact that there were aspects of childhood that I missed out on. I came to terms with the fact that I had been sexually assaulted, multiple times. I came to terms with the fact that I wasn't the girl I had been in high school, physically or emotionally.

The process of finding self esteem and self love is a lengthy and difficult one. Some days I have set backs, but I am growing more and more proud of myself each day. I am becoming a stronger woman than I ever have been. I need to get to this point not only for myself, but also to help others.

I've made an effort to show myself my inner strength and beauty. I first cut off all of my hair. Down to 1/2 an inch. Getting rid of a material aspect of myself that I hated for so long. I instantly felt more free. I also applied and was excepted to be an intern at a Jewish Educators conference in Phoenix, Arizona. I'm going to use the opportunity of flying by myself and having lay over by myself to build even more strength. I know absolutely no one who is attending the conference, this will be an extremely large step for me. I cannot wait to go and be myself, and see amazing family that I haven't seen in a long time.

I am currently in a committed relationship with myself. Bri and I enjoy going on dates for delish food, reading books together, traveling, listening to music, and learning more about her. She is a beautiful girl, and I am falling in love slowly but surely. A different love than I've felt for anyone else, and it's amazing.

I've missed all of you, and I will keep you updated on my journey this week, as well as my life journey!

P.S. I was inspired to write this blog update, thanks to an amazing friend of mine who just started an excellent blog, go check it out! http://collegefemmenist.wordpress.com/