Dreaming

It still feels odd sitting in my room at my parent’s house. (Almost as odd as it feels saying “my parent’s house”, but it really doesn’t feel like my home anymore). Granted my father graciously painted it a much more palatable blue after I began college, it is still the room I spent 10 years living in. Sitting on my bed I remember nights I cried on this bed, journal pages I wrote, sex I had, life decisions I made. They feel like the occurred light years ago, but sitting in this room fills me with those emotions. I’m sitting here trying to get myself to write final papers so that I can finish up my junior year of college, but I can’t stop thinking about what will come after next year. This summer will be my last summer of knowing what to expect, the last one of what will really still feel like childhood.

            Many of my friends are busing themselves with looking at grad school programs, while I sit here knowing for the first time in my life in a year I will have thrown out all the plans I grew up thinking about.

            I’m scared shitless, but I’m also more excited about this prospect than anything I’ve ever done. I can go anywhere or do anything my bank account will allow. I can go follow my dreams if I really want, or make up new ones to follow. You see, my whole life I’ve had a plan, I was going to have it together and always know what came next. I was going to go to college then probably graduate school, then start my career, get married sometime within all that and settle down. I’m not ready to think about settling down, instead I feel like my life is beginning. After following a plan and being in a structured setting like school for 16 years, it’s finally a chance for me to figure out who the hell I am and what I want to do.

            After next year I’m not sure if this will ever truly be “my” room again. Sitting here remembering the girl I used to be with all the dreams I had makes me want to go live those out for her. The girl I used to be refused to live outside her comfort zone, she was too afraid to ever follow her dreams. The girl I am now refuses to give in to the fear that once used to cripple me. She is going to make her dreams happen.

           

I’m sorry this post has been sort of rambling. I’m honestly just trying to sort out my feelings and live posting them as they occur. By sitting here and writing this, I will be able to show myself that what I said I would do and what I really need to do. So screw the apology, I’m going to go finish my final papers so I can get one step closer to living my dream.