A Year In Review

Holy Fuckballs...my birthday is in a week. My twentieth birthday...two decades? Really? Sophomore year of college?

1 Year Ago-

September 1st 2010- I'm super anxious to begin college (this is when my insomnia began). I'm hyper aware of the fact that I move into my first dorm ever TOMORROW! I've known my roommate for years, she's the best, I feel comfortable leaving the house I've felt safe in for 10 years to live with her. I have no idea what I'm in for!

September 7th 2010- My birthday. I've made friends and I love college (little do I know I grow to dislike these initial "friends" I made) I've just found out my mom ordered me a cake for my special day! I invite everyone at college who i went to high school with, and the few new friends I've made. The cake is huge like my mothers heart. The company ends up to be just me, my roommate, and our mutual good friend from high school. Looking back it seems sad...but as I can remember I felt happy eating a huge cake with two people I knew truly cared.

Back to The Present-

This birthday I know I have many more friends to send me well wishes. I'm excited to see what we will do!
I also know how much I've grown. What strength I lack after the "freshman fifteen" I've made up for mentally. I realized true happiness came from being honest with myself, even if it hurt. I found what having a best friend means. I put my emotions aside to help my friends when they needed me, and learned to expose those emotions when I needed them. I learned love can be ridiculously painful, but that it doesn't have to be. That a smile can change a person's day. That I am not as stupid and ugly as I tell myself I am.

Although as rights-of-passage's go 20 is not a big deal, I grew up more during this year than I have in the last decade. I can only hope that this year will be a HAPPY continuation of self-revalations. 

4 a.m.

Its so quiet.

I've gotten to know 4 a.m. for a while now...my head seems to like it better than 4 p.m., I'm assuming thats why I'm awake.

Theres a lot of random shit you can do at 3-5 in the morning. For instance:

• Follow random twitter accounts till you end up in some crazy country with a girl tweeting about pigmy elephants.
• You can increase your knowledge, by "stumbling" (on StumbleUpon.com) for hours on end. 
• You can read a 500 page book
• Watch an entire season of "The L Word"
• Cry for no reason
• Cry for every reason you can think of in the world
• Listen to your roommate snore
• Eat
• Do your nails
• Do naked yoga
• Text a whole bunch of people, but know you won't get a response for hours because every normal person is sleeping!
• Eaves-drop on the drunk couple fighting in the hallway
• Watch strange shows on the hundreds of channels you haven't explored
• Write a blog post...

So clearly I'm at my last resort. I cannot sleep. Today this is probably my fault because I made the large mistake of taking a three hour nap around 6pm...buut I was sooo tired!!

Sometimes, however, I simply can't sleep for no apparent reason at all. This really bugs me, I love sleeping just let me goddamn-it! 

My mind is constantly racing...I think about people I've lost, people I love, people I haven't met yet. I think about school, work, blogging. 

I've been thinking a lot about how flakey I've been this summer. I've made a lot of plans with a  lot of people that never went through. Usually because I bailed. I think I felt alone this summer, I needed to feel alone. I needed to know that I'm not in that relationship anymore, but I can be my own person. I didn't want to see people that reminded me of him, so I simply avoided them. I did a really good job of being alone, so much so that I feel so genuinely lonely.

I go back to college in two days, I cannot wait! I mean I'm definitely nervous. I'm living in a new room, with a new roommate, in a new building. I'm worried about having panic attacks, if I'll bother my roommate with my anxiety.  Right now I'm focusing on the positives! I'm living with my best friend surrounded by more best friends. I get to feel the rush and independence of college again and get to bond anew with my beautiful college town.

Hello 4 a.m., we've been rather productive :)