Dreaming

It still feels odd sitting in my room at my parent’s house. (Almost as odd as it feels saying “my parent’s house”, but it really doesn’t feel like my home anymore). Granted my father graciously painted it a much more palatable blue after I began college, it is still the room I spent 10 years living in. Sitting on my bed I remember nights I cried on this bed, journal pages I wrote, sex I had, life decisions I made. They feel like the occurred light years ago, but sitting in this room fills me with those emotions. I’m sitting here trying to get myself to write final papers so that I can finish up my junior year of college, but I can’t stop thinking about what will come after next year. This summer will be my last summer of knowing what to expect, the last one of what will really still feel like childhood.

            Many of my friends are busing themselves with looking at grad school programs, while I sit here knowing for the first time in my life in a year I will have thrown out all the plans I grew up thinking about.

            I’m scared shitless, but I’m also more excited about this prospect than anything I’ve ever done. I can go anywhere or do anything my bank account will allow. I can go follow my dreams if I really want, or make up new ones to follow. You see, my whole life I’ve had a plan, I was going to have it together and always know what came next. I was going to go to college then probably graduate school, then start my career, get married sometime within all that and settle down. I’m not ready to think about settling down, instead I feel like my life is beginning. After following a plan and being in a structured setting like school for 16 years, it’s finally a chance for me to figure out who the hell I am and what I want to do.

            After next year I’m not sure if this will ever truly be “my” room again. Sitting here remembering the girl I used to be with all the dreams I had makes me want to go live those out for her. The girl I used to be refused to live outside her comfort zone, she was too afraid to ever follow her dreams. The girl I am now refuses to give in to the fear that once used to cripple me. She is going to make her dreams happen.

           

I’m sorry this post has been sort of rambling. I’m honestly just trying to sort out my feelings and live posting them as they occur. By sitting here and writing this, I will be able to show myself that what I said I would do and what I really need to do. So screw the apology, I’m going to go finish my final papers so I can get one step closer to living my dream. 

Funny Valentine

Well here we are again.
My second valentine's day as a single woman.

Last Valentines day was pretty amazing. My parents had just left from visiting and I got to have an amazing show with the lovely ladies of Vagina Monologues. It was a really fun show to do and I felt so much love from my friends and cast members! I had left over cookies and wore red lipstick and just felt really good.

I am similarly looking forward this Valentine's day. I'm not looking forward to the long day of classes, but to baking cupcakes. Which I get to bring to an amazing event with Jewish Women of Ohio where we are having a sex talk with our Rabbi. Then I get to go to yoga and cook dinner for my best friend. I know I'm probably not her first choice in a valentine (her boyfriend of 5 years is unfortunately in another state for their anniversary/valentines day (if you don't know that story click here ) but I'm honored and excited to fill the role this year. You see, for me, I couldn't pick a better Valentine than my best friend Leah. She is honestly the most beautiful human being I've ever met. In every way. She constantly inspires me to be a better person. I wish I could return to her all the things she's done for me, but that would be impossible. So for now I just try and do all I can to make sure she is happy, because more than anyone she truly deserves that.

So clearly I'm looking forward to spending time with people I truly love and who care about me.

But lets be honest. Valentine's day also goes by the name "Singles Awareness Day" and as more and more of my friends are pairing off, I am increasingly aware of my single-dom. It isn't a bad thing. Sometimes I like not having to shave my legs for months, or being able to spend ample time alone (and yes on the internet). I do however become self-concious every once and awhile. What is it that I'm doing wrong that I can't also find a mate? Thats a loaded question. I'll figure it out eventually.

This brings me to one of the main focuses of this post. Is it outdated to set up your friends? When I was recently describing my situation of being a habitual fifth wheel, I was asked if any of my friends had ever tried to set me up before. I thought about this. No, they hadn't. I mean I had asked, sort of jokingly, but in my head not so much. I think they all thought I was joking. I began to think as I watched a few television shows recently with friends and relatives setting each other up on dates, is this practice outdated, or can my friends really not find someone for me? If the later is true, does that mean I won't be able to find someone for myself either? I mean not even my Jewish grandmother has tried to set me up with anyone. Am I that un-fix-up-able? Who knows, maybe it is a dated practice this day and age, maybe I should just look to the internet.

Well I'm not sure, and this has turned into more of a pity party than I intened. After all, I have my valentine and then some! I also have my new phone after my last one met a freak accident with Leah's car door. I'm finding more that I love about myself, except for maybe the fact that I can't get a date. Oh well.

Oh yeah! And I'm on a health kick. Hoping this one will be longterm. I found out I have some health issues that were worse than I thought. So here's to my many work outs with Leah and kale with eggbeaters! :)

So happy Valentine's Day, Single's Awareness Day or Thursday. I hope you have a great one filled with love and wellness. Mine will be splendid.

I'll be spending it as (always) The Queer Jewess.