I have to get this out of my head.
This trip is so not a big deal right? Most people would just be super excited to have this amazing opportunity right? Well, for me it's not so.
My eye has been twitching ALL DAY! Everywhere I go, a subtle reminder of how freaking nervous I am!
Okay, don't get me wrong, I am also super excited. I know this is going to be a life influencer for me, but it still scares the living day lights out of me.
I do not like to travel long distances by myself. On a plane I feel super claustrophobic and crated. I mean, you can't just pull over a plane if you need to puke or something. Planes do not pull over. They also like to shake like crazy right when you think you've relaxed, a subtle reminder that they are miles above the earth and could crash land at anytime.
Oh yeah, and the world is supposed to end tomorrow.
Not that I actually believe that the world will end, but I do believe there are some, uh, interesting people out there who do. I really really hope that these people do not decide to do anything crazy with either of my planes tomorrow.
Okay so I'm paranoid. This is just want comes with anxiety. I get sucked into this huge hole of paranoia where all I want to do is run and hide under my covers and cry till it's over. I can't do that anymore, I don't want to do that anymore. I'm really scared, but I have to do this. I have to prove to myself that I can do this.
Here are somethings I really dislike about having what I like to call "panic sagas". I like that better than an attack, because they seem to last for a very frustratingly long time. Anyway, first thing that happens with a panic saga is the insomnia. A few nights before, or during some long anticipated event, I will not be able to sleep. Or I won't be able to fall asleep until passed 4 am. (Meaning I probably won't sleep at all tonight considering I leave tomorrow at 4am.) Next, the eye twitching, or some other random muscle spasm. It's usually kind of obvious and gross looking. Then comes the tummy churning. An audible noise followed by horrendous cramping. This is when I nearly poop my pants for about 48 hours. It's lovely. Then there is the distractive picking. I will pick at some sort of dead skin to try and distract myself from the anxiety, instead I end up looking really fucked up to the people around me. And sometimes it gets to the point where I cry uncontrollably until I vomit. Luckily, that hasn't happened in quite a few years and I am hoping to keep it that way.
So the end. I need to finish packing. I need to stop nearly pooping myself. I need to take a deep breath and realize that although the wind and rain are howling at my window, the world will not end tomorrow. I will make it through this experience, and I will be stronger for it.
Lots of love!
I am to head out in the wee hours of tomorrow, and will keep you updated.
And if tomorrow the world really ends, let my final words to you be:
BOOYAH BITCHES!
This trip is so not a big deal right? Most people would just be super excited to have this amazing opportunity right? Well, for me it's not so.
My eye has been twitching ALL DAY! Everywhere I go, a subtle reminder of how freaking nervous I am!
Okay, don't get me wrong, I am also super excited. I know this is going to be a life influencer for me, but it still scares the living day lights out of me.
I do not like to travel long distances by myself. On a plane I feel super claustrophobic and crated. I mean, you can't just pull over a plane if you need to puke or something. Planes do not pull over. They also like to shake like crazy right when you think you've relaxed, a subtle reminder that they are miles above the earth and could crash land at anytime.
Oh yeah, and the world is supposed to end tomorrow.
Not that I actually believe that the world will end, but I do believe there are some, uh, interesting people out there who do. I really really hope that these people do not decide to do anything crazy with either of my planes tomorrow.
Okay so I'm paranoid. This is just want comes with anxiety. I get sucked into this huge hole of paranoia where all I want to do is run and hide under my covers and cry till it's over. I can't do that anymore, I don't want to do that anymore. I'm really scared, but I have to do this. I have to prove to myself that I can do this.
Here are somethings I really dislike about having what I like to call "panic sagas". I like that better than an attack, because they seem to last for a very frustratingly long time. Anyway, first thing that happens with a panic saga is the insomnia. A few nights before, or during some long anticipated event, I will not be able to sleep. Or I won't be able to fall asleep until passed 4 am. (Meaning I probably won't sleep at all tonight considering I leave tomorrow at 4am.) Next, the eye twitching, or some other random muscle spasm. It's usually kind of obvious and gross looking. Then comes the tummy churning. An audible noise followed by horrendous cramping. This is when I nearly poop my pants for about 48 hours. It's lovely. Then there is the distractive picking. I will pick at some sort of dead skin to try and distract myself from the anxiety, instead I end up looking really fucked up to the people around me. And sometimes it gets to the point where I cry uncontrollably until I vomit. Luckily, that hasn't happened in quite a few years and I am hoping to keep it that way.
So the end. I need to finish packing. I need to stop nearly pooping myself. I need to take a deep breath and realize that although the wind and rain are howling at my window, the world will not end tomorrow. I will make it through this experience, and I will be stronger for it.
Lots of love!
I am to head out in the wee hours of tomorrow, and will keep you updated.
And if tomorrow the world really ends, let my final words to you be:
BOOYAH BITCHES!
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