Loving Bri

Its been a long time. I don't know if I'd say too long.

This year has been a busy one and as all of my college years thus far have been, a year of discovery.
I'm a junior in college now. Just finished my first semester. Even though I barely made it through, I made it! I made it as a President of Jewish Women of Ohio, I made it as a fundraising chair of another amazing group, I made it to a semester with a GPA of 3.5.

I'm back at my family home now. I miss my apartment and my suite mates like mad. I really enjoy being around my family though. I forgot how amazing they really are, and how willing they are to help me with anything that comes up. There is also, my puppy. She's the love of my life.

Love, it's been an interesting year for that. I suppose the reason I really dropped off the face of the blogging world was because I fell in love. Ford eventually agreed to be my boyfriend, and we were together for 10 great months. It was hard, but it was something I'll never regret. Ford is a wonderful person. And during our time together, I realized quite a few things. I realized I was more lonely with him them I'd ever been. I realized I didn't love myself. I in fact nearly hated myself.

I couldn't give Ford what he deserved, I couldn't give anyone I loved what they deserved, because I couldn't find true love in myself.

I had to figure out why I hated myself so. This started as a very hard journey, one of discovery. I blamed myself for so many things. I held in so many things that they began to poison me. I needed to shed that cover I kept over myself. I began to delve into the inner vault. I came to terms with the fact that there were aspects of childhood that I missed out on. I came to terms with the fact that I had been sexually assaulted, multiple times. I came to terms with the fact that I wasn't the girl I had been in high school, physically or emotionally.

The process of finding self esteem and self love is a lengthy and difficult one. Some days I have set backs, but I am growing more and more proud of myself each day. I am becoming a stronger woman than I ever have been. I need to get to this point not only for myself, but also to help others.

I've made an effort to show myself my inner strength and beauty. I first cut off all of my hair. Down to 1/2 an inch. Getting rid of a material aspect of myself that I hated for so long. I instantly felt more free. I also applied and was excepted to be an intern at a Jewish Educators conference in Phoenix, Arizona. I'm going to use the opportunity of flying by myself and having lay over by myself to build even more strength. I know absolutely no one who is attending the conference, this will be an extremely large step for me. I cannot wait to go and be myself, and see amazing family that I haven't seen in a long time.

I am currently in a committed relationship with myself. Bri and I enjoy going on dates for delish food, reading books together, traveling, listening to music, and learning more about her. She is a beautiful girl, and I am falling in love slowly but surely. A different love than I've felt for anyone else, and it's amazing.

I've missed all of you, and I will keep you updated on my journey this week, as well as my life journey!

P.S. I was inspired to write this blog update, thanks to an amazing friend of mine who just started an excellent blog, go check it out! http://collegefemmenist.wordpress.com/

Sand Through an Hourglass

It's been ages since I've written anything, I know. This space is like my diary...one that I suppose a few people read. I've always made my diaries for someone else to read one day. I write to a future me, make my entries personal. I write with a hope that one day someone will discover my words and find them useful in their own life. So this is becoming an e-diary for me :)

Fall quarter felt like walking through a tar desert. Sticky, hot, and smelly?
I was struggling, falling to my knees in the tar and realizing I was stuck. I felt like lying down in the hot tar, letting it consume me because I was tired of the struggle.

I wanted to drop out of university, pursue my dreams.
My realization was that I didn't know what my dreams were...
Who am I?
Who/ what do I actually want to become?
I couldn't answer these questions, they haunted me through the last weeks of fall. "You don't want this, Bri!" "What about all your friends?" "You hate your stupid classes!" "But you've made so much progress!!"
The internal fighting was unbearable at times, I slept all day and the fighting kept me up at night. I took sleeping pills, but it didn't drown them out.
I was beyond ready to go home for winter break.

My bed is my throne (this isn't my bed)

I got home and did a lot of thinking, sleeping and crying. I had ended a relationship-esque thing at school just before break, I went home feeling like a lonely dog lady. (Harley is pretty cat-like though.) I talked to a lot of people, used my dreams to test out "what-ifs".

I ultimately realized, there must be an explanation for why school feels like walking through sticky melting tar. I was talking to my brothers girlfriend when I had an epiphany. She was describing her troubled previous year at school. I couldn't believe it, she is so bright, yet she struggled in school just as I had. ADD had been her problem, and her solution was ADD medication. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I have ADD. I turned to my mother "Mom...I think I have ADD" "Bri, I think you do too." Mom realized that when I was previously tested for a learning disability it was noted that I had trouble staying focused while completing long tasks. She immediately called my neurologist to see what he thought. He agreed with our hypothesis and thought he would have me try out a prescription. I started the medicine two weeks ago. I've now made it through the first two weeks of the quarter. I have taken on more than I ever have, I clean my room regularly, and I haven't napped during school days. I am also happier by an extreme margin!
I've decided to find out what my dreams are and go for them. I will take more risks to find my passions, and be more creative, because it keeps me alive. I love art and all it's forms.

My meds had a photo shoot :)

So there you have it. I'm a Queer ADD-battling Jewess, and I am a damn happy one at that.