Dreaming

It still feels odd sitting in my room at my parent’s house. (Almost as odd as it feels saying “my parent’s house”, but it really doesn’t feel like my home anymore). Granted my father graciously painted it a much more palatable blue after I began college, it is still the room I spent 10 years living in. Sitting on my bed I remember nights I cried on this bed, journal pages I wrote, sex I had, life decisions I made. They feel like the occurred light years ago, but sitting in this room fills me with those emotions. I’m sitting here trying to get myself to write final papers so that I can finish up my junior year of college, but I can’t stop thinking about what will come after next year. This summer will be my last summer of knowing what to expect, the last one of what will really still feel like childhood.

            Many of my friends are busing themselves with looking at grad school programs, while I sit here knowing for the first time in my life in a year I will have thrown out all the plans I grew up thinking about.

            I’m scared shitless, but I’m also more excited about this prospect than anything I’ve ever done. I can go anywhere or do anything my bank account will allow. I can go follow my dreams if I really want, or make up new ones to follow. You see, my whole life I’ve had a plan, I was going to have it together and always know what came next. I was going to go to college then probably graduate school, then start my career, get married sometime within all that and settle down. I’m not ready to think about settling down, instead I feel like my life is beginning. After following a plan and being in a structured setting like school for 16 years, it’s finally a chance for me to figure out who the hell I am and what I want to do.

            After next year I’m not sure if this will ever truly be “my” room again. Sitting here remembering the girl I used to be with all the dreams I had makes me want to go live those out for her. The girl I used to be refused to live outside her comfort zone, she was too afraid to ever follow her dreams. The girl I am now refuses to give in to the fear that once used to cripple me. She is going to make her dreams happen.

           

I’m sorry this post has been sort of rambling. I’m honestly just trying to sort out my feelings and live posting them as they occur. By sitting here and writing this, I will be able to show myself that what I said I would do and what I really need to do. So screw the apology, I’m going to go finish my final papers so I can get one step closer to living my dream. 

Funny Valentine

Well here we are again.
My second valentine's day as a single woman.

Last Valentines day was pretty amazing. My parents had just left from visiting and I got to have an amazing show with the lovely ladies of Vagina Monologues. It was a really fun show to do and I felt so much love from my friends and cast members! I had left over cookies and wore red lipstick and just felt really good.

I am similarly looking forward this Valentine's day. I'm not looking forward to the long day of classes, but to baking cupcakes. Which I get to bring to an amazing event with Jewish Women of Ohio where we are having a sex talk with our Rabbi. Then I get to go to yoga and cook dinner for my best friend. I know I'm probably not her first choice in a valentine (her boyfriend of 5 years is unfortunately in another state for their anniversary/valentines day (if you don't know that story click here ) but I'm honored and excited to fill the role this year. You see, for me, I couldn't pick a better Valentine than my best friend Leah. She is honestly the most beautiful human being I've ever met. In every way. She constantly inspires me to be a better person. I wish I could return to her all the things she's done for me, but that would be impossible. So for now I just try and do all I can to make sure she is happy, because more than anyone she truly deserves that.

So clearly I'm looking forward to spending time with people I truly love and who care about me.

But lets be honest. Valentine's day also goes by the name "Singles Awareness Day" and as more and more of my friends are pairing off, I am increasingly aware of my single-dom. It isn't a bad thing. Sometimes I like not having to shave my legs for months, or being able to spend ample time alone (and yes on the internet). I do however become self-concious every once and awhile. What is it that I'm doing wrong that I can't also find a mate? Thats a loaded question. I'll figure it out eventually.

This brings me to one of the main focuses of this post. Is it outdated to set up your friends? When I was recently describing my situation of being a habitual fifth wheel, I was asked if any of my friends had ever tried to set me up before. I thought about this. No, they hadn't. I mean I had asked, sort of jokingly, but in my head not so much. I think they all thought I was joking. I began to think as I watched a few television shows recently with friends and relatives setting each other up on dates, is this practice outdated, or can my friends really not find someone for me? If the later is true, does that mean I won't be able to find someone for myself either? I mean not even my Jewish grandmother has tried to set me up with anyone. Am I that un-fix-up-able? Who knows, maybe it is a dated practice this day and age, maybe I should just look to the internet.

Well I'm not sure, and this has turned into more of a pity party than I intened. After all, I have my valentine and then some! I also have my new phone after my last one met a freak accident with Leah's car door. I'm finding more that I love about myself, except for maybe the fact that I can't get a date. Oh well.

Oh yeah! And I'm on a health kick. Hoping this one will be longterm. I found out I have some health issues that were worse than I thought. So here's to my many work outs with Leah and kale with eggbeaters! :)

So happy Valentine's Day, Single's Awareness Day or Thursday. I hope you have a great one filled with love and wellness. Mine will be splendid.

I'll be spending it as (always) The Queer Jewess.

I Think I May Poop My Pants

I have to get this out of my head.

This trip is so not a big deal right? Most people would just be super excited to have this amazing opportunity right? Well, for me it's not so.

My eye has been twitching ALL DAY! Everywhere I go, a subtle reminder of how freaking nervous I am!

Okay, don't get me wrong, I am also super excited. I know this is going to be a life influencer for me, but it still scares the living day lights out of me.

I do not like to travel long distances by myself. On a plane I feel super claustrophobic and crated. I mean, you can't just pull over a plane if you need to puke or something. Planes do not pull over. They also like to shake like crazy right when you think you've relaxed, a subtle reminder that they are miles above the earth and could crash land at anytime.

Oh yeah, and the world is supposed to end tomorrow.

Not that I actually believe that the world will end, but I do believe there are some, uh, interesting people out there who do. I really really hope that these people do not decide to do anything crazy with either of my planes tomorrow.

Okay so I'm paranoid. This is just want comes with anxiety. I get sucked into this huge hole of paranoia where all I want to do is run and hide under my covers and cry till it's over. I can't do that anymore, I don't want to do that anymore. I'm really scared, but I have to do this. I have to prove to myself that I can do this.

Here are somethings I really dislike about having what I like to call "panic sagas". I like that better than an attack, because they seem to last for a very frustratingly long time. Anyway, first thing that happens with a panic saga is the insomnia. A few nights before, or during some long anticipated event, I will not be able to sleep. Or I won't be able to fall asleep until passed 4 am. (Meaning I probably won't sleep at all tonight considering I leave tomorrow at 4am.) Next, the eye twitching, or some other random muscle spasm. It's usually kind of obvious and gross looking. Then comes the tummy churning. An audible noise followed by horrendous cramping. This is when I nearly poop my pants for about 48 hours. It's lovely. Then there is the distractive picking. I will pick at some sort of dead skin to try and distract myself from the anxiety, instead I end up looking really fucked up to the people around me.  And sometimes it gets to the point where I cry uncontrollably until I vomit. Luckily, that hasn't happened in quite a few years and I am hoping to keep it that way.

So the end. I need to finish packing. I need to stop nearly pooping myself. I need to take a deep breath and realize that although the wind and rain are howling at my window, the world will not end tomorrow. I will make it through this experience, and I will be stronger for it.

Lots of love!
I am to head out in the wee hours of tomorrow, and will keep you updated.
And if tomorrow the world really ends, let my final words to you be:

BOOYAH BITCHES!

Loving Bri

Its been a long time. I don't know if I'd say too long.

This year has been a busy one and as all of my college years thus far have been, a year of discovery.
I'm a junior in college now. Just finished my first semester. Even though I barely made it through, I made it! I made it as a President of Jewish Women of Ohio, I made it as a fundraising chair of another amazing group, I made it to a semester with a GPA of 3.5.

I'm back at my family home now. I miss my apartment and my suite mates like mad. I really enjoy being around my family though. I forgot how amazing they really are, and how willing they are to help me with anything that comes up. There is also, my puppy. She's the love of my life.

Love, it's been an interesting year for that. I suppose the reason I really dropped off the face of the blogging world was because I fell in love. Ford eventually agreed to be my boyfriend, and we were together for 10 great months. It was hard, but it was something I'll never regret. Ford is a wonderful person. And during our time together, I realized quite a few things. I realized I was more lonely with him them I'd ever been. I realized I didn't love myself. I in fact nearly hated myself.

I couldn't give Ford what he deserved, I couldn't give anyone I loved what they deserved, because I couldn't find true love in myself.

I had to figure out why I hated myself so. This started as a very hard journey, one of discovery. I blamed myself for so many things. I held in so many things that they began to poison me. I needed to shed that cover I kept over myself. I began to delve into the inner vault. I came to terms with the fact that there were aspects of childhood that I missed out on. I came to terms with the fact that I had been sexually assaulted, multiple times. I came to terms with the fact that I wasn't the girl I had been in high school, physically or emotionally.

The process of finding self esteem and self love is a lengthy and difficult one. Some days I have set backs, but I am growing more and more proud of myself each day. I am becoming a stronger woman than I ever have been. I need to get to this point not only for myself, but also to help others.

I've made an effort to show myself my inner strength and beauty. I first cut off all of my hair. Down to 1/2 an inch. Getting rid of a material aspect of myself that I hated for so long. I instantly felt more free. I also applied and was excepted to be an intern at a Jewish Educators conference in Phoenix, Arizona. I'm going to use the opportunity of flying by myself and having lay over by myself to build even more strength. I know absolutely no one who is attending the conference, this will be an extremely large step for me. I cannot wait to go and be myself, and see amazing family that I haven't seen in a long time.

I am currently in a committed relationship with myself. Bri and I enjoy going on dates for delish food, reading books together, traveling, listening to music, and learning more about her. She is a beautiful girl, and I am falling in love slowly but surely. A different love than I've felt for anyone else, and it's amazing.

I've missed all of you, and I will keep you updated on my journey this week, as well as my life journey!

P.S. I was inspired to write this blog update, thanks to an amazing friend of mine who just started an excellent blog, go check it out! http://collegefemmenist.wordpress.com/

Does This Awkward Boy Make Me Look Fat?

I'm not sure what I'm doing. There is absolutely no point in trying as hard as I am right now. For what? This extremely socially awkward, gawky, bow tie wearing boy?

How I See Him

But yet, here I am. Trying way to hard to impress this seemingly unimpressed strange creature. Yes I say creature. Sometimes I feel like my interest in him is more like a study than a crush. What makes him tick, what the hell did he mean by that, does he know picking his nose right now? Okay this is making my crush sound rather ridiculous. It is, but there are so many things about him that fascinate me. He is amazingly smart, has great taste in music, and has such a refreshing view on everything. I love listening to his theories on politics and different controversial topics. Largely due to the fact that we share the same view. I haven't met many guys who can out talk me, but I'm pretty sure he dominates most of the conversations we have. I've never had that before and I like it and am also taken aback by it. Well now I am laying here in bed terribly confused. I have no idea what is going on with him and I. Let me tell you why.

We'll call him Ford. Ford and I began our flirtationship about three weeks ago. I laid down the flirt thick because well, he's an RA on my floor. I had to show him I was worth breaking an unwritten rule of not dating residents. It started out great, we were both flirting and he even initiated conversation with me. The next two nights we stayed up talking until the wee hours of the morning. I even watched him kill zombies for over an hour to show him how interested I was. We talked every day for that first week. I figured things were going really well. I began to try to ask him on a date. He always had an excuse, and it's quite plausible that they were legit. We haven't actually hung out outside of our building. We also didn't try to make any moves. We didn't even hold hands. Finally I was getting fed up with the molasses speed, and tried to get up the nerve to light a spark.

Picture Something Like This

"I'm going to just go knock on his door, kiss him, and walk away!" I declared to my roommate. She told me that I should go for it! I walked down the hallway, feeling self assured, only to lose my cool after a few stairs. "Oh shit" I thought out loud. I scampered back to my room "I can't do this" I told my roommate. She threatened to lock me out if I didn't go through with my plan. I sucked up all my courage and turned the corner into his hallway.  Just as I was about to scurry back to my room, a boy walked out of his. He was hacking up a lung and wearing only his boxers, I hurried along my way to Ford's room. I stood for a moment gaining my composure, but the pant-less boy was now staring at me. I knocked. Ford opened his door and looked at me, puzzled. "I...I..." staring at him trying to find a way to kiss him. Instead, I began laughing. "..don't know what I'm doing here." He invited me in, but I felt like such a fool. I watched him play a video game for about ten minutes, and then decided to return to my room. I resorted to texting him what my intent for the visit had been. It took him 24 hours to respond with a completely ambiguous text. Confusing moment number one.

That Awkward Moment When You Look Like A Fool

Confusing moment number two? All of last night/this morning. I finally convinced him to hang out with me. (It should probably be a sign that I needed to convince him) He was on duty, even though it was a Saturday. So we planned to stay in a watch a movie. By the time he finished his first set of rounds, I was nearly asleep after painstakingly cleaning my entire room and self. I was watching "Bring It On" when he finally knocked on my door. We talked and watched and made fun of the classic 90's wardrobe. The movie ended and we started listening to the radio show he DJ's. Things were nice, but we still weren't touching. It was time to do rounds again and I decided to this time go with him. We made it to a boys bathroom in his hallway, he went in and there were two boys talking. He of course joined their conversation. After waiting a few minutes to no avail, I decided to go down the hallway to write on the board stuck to his door. When I got there I realized it was full of writing, and in fact, said my name. "Bri Adamsin, or however the fuck it's spelt wants your penis" There were a few more sentences, but I didn't have time to read them or snap a picture. I panicked, erased the board and ran back to my neighbor's room. Ford eventually came to my room looking for me and apologized for his prolonged absence. We returned to my room and talked until we were about to fall asleep on my bed. We then realized he probably needed to sleep in his own room. He offered that I return to his room with him. I reluctantly agreed. Little did I know this entailed sitting on his bed playing solitaire for half an hour while he played his video game. Finally he finished his game and came over to the bed. He actually put his arm around me. Finally, some contact! We were snuggling and talking, he started undressing to go to sleep. I felt like keeping all my clothes on. He turned off the light, and there we were, in the dark, snuggling him basically naked, under the covers...and NO KISS. I was so confused. Maybe he was nervous. I could tell I was going to have to make the first move. His chin settled just above my nose. He was talking about something being my fault or me being dumb. I told him to shut up and grabbed his face. I kissed him, he kissed me back and then he pulled away to inform me that our kissing was "taking away from our sleeping time". SERIOUSLY!? Who says that?! I asked him if he would really rather be sleeping than kissing me. His response..."Well I am really tired." Eventually I just fell asleep in his uncomfortable bed, in his arms. Both of his alarms went off several hours later and scared the shit out of me. Eventually it became 1 in the afternoon and so I decided to just leave. I let him sleep and left a note on his desk, saying that I had promised to go to brunch with my roommate and that he should let me know when he gets out of bed. He of course, didn't. I ended up initiating the two small conversations we've had since then. I am so utterly confused.

Too Tired for Some of This Action?

As if that night hadn't been confusing enough, while we were snuggling, he repeatedly asked if I wanted to take my clothes off too. I continually replied that no, I did not. "But you're always naked" He said once. "I'm always naked alone in my room, with only the language building across the street having a clear view" "So, you're fine being naked in front of all those classrooms, but not now?" "Pretty much." End of conversation. But how confusing is that?! You want me naked, but you don't want to kiss me? Am I that terrible of a kisser? (Rhetorical question.) Well I have no forsaken clue what to do now, but in my wildest dreams he reveals that he really likes me, can't wait to see me in my show, wows my parents Saturday night and all is well. Will this happen? Probably not, but a girl can dream. After all, how can you not fall for a guy who takes classes about the myth of masculinity, and talks to you for hours about the unfair treatment of women. Ugh, hair twirl, but that is all for now.

This Kind of Naked?

I'll keep you all up to date, don't you fret you pretty tiger head.

Gratitude is Mightier than Self-Pity

I've been in a self-pitying mood for most of today. I absolutely despise realizing that I am feeling sorry for myself for no good reason. However this one was hard to shake.

I could not for the life of me fall asleep last night! It was storming with my window open. It was beautiful, but I had no one to share the beauty with. I find storms more relaxing with I am with someone who makes me feel safe. Luckily, I had my sort-of crush to talk to. He had me listen to his radio program which could have been a deal breaker. Lets face it, in my world if you don't have good taste in music, we cannot be together. It's essential. I was thrilled to learn he has SUPERB taste in music, for two hours I did not go unimpressed by the mixture of Josh Ritter, The Decemberists, Death Cab for Cutie, Nickelcreek...on and on. We talked about the possibility that I could go hang out in the study lounge since the thunderstorm made me feel a little lonely, magnified by the cuteness of the couple in the room. I considered the fact that I would have to then put on pants, something I am clearly not a fan of. He finds my disdain for pants comical and told me I could go without. In the end I put on pants and ended up snuggling with my pig pillow pet in the study lounge. Eventually he found his way over as well. There we remained until a little after 5 a.m. We talked about everything! Back in my bed I debated running back out screaming "KISS ME YOU FOOL!" but deemed it a tad overdramatic. I finally fell asleep around 6am. I had very odd dreams, and when my alarm sounded at 9:15 I refused to acknowledge it's existence. Thats how I wound up sleeping through my 10 o'clock class. Then upon waking (around 1pm) I realized I had forgotten to take any of my medicine yesterday. Cue withdrawal. Upon returning from the bathroom I realized I needed to get ready for my next class. Clad in yoga pants and my pajama shirt I am startled by a high pitched noise and a boy screaming loudly. Cue Fire drill. I understand you need to make sure the alarms are working properly, but I'm twenty years old, do I really need to practice for fire emergencies anymore? I'm awkwardly standing outside, half awake, ready to curl into a ball when I realize my crush has found me in the frustrated crowd. Great. I'm wearing the same shirt you saw my in last night, haven't brushed my hair or teeth and now you're going to come talk to me? There is also the fact that on top of this I have three exams and a paper due tomorrow.

This is how I look after 4 hours of sleep. And how my crush saw me.

My day was off to a great start. I'm pretty sure I felt like the mud covering the bottom of my yoga pants. I let everyone know what a terrible day I was having. Everyone offered sympathy, some were in the same boat. We kvetched (bitched in yiddish), frowned and laughed at one another's horrific lives.

My Crush. (JK it's Matt Smith, he's an obsession)

Suddenly something stopped me from all this silly pity. I was scrolling through twitter (in an attempt to procrastinate of course) and came upon a tweet from Tiny Buddha. It lead to a blog post (read it here Tiny Wisdom: The Tiny Wonders We Take for Granted). The post begins with a quote that really jarred my attitude.

“There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle, or you can live as if everything is a miracle.” –Albert Einstein

This quote from Albert Einstein really spoke to me. I've always known everything in life is a miracle, but I find myself forgetting this from time to time. Seeing these words in front of me really gave me perspective to how amazing my life is going. The fact that I even have a crush, the fact that I am privileged enough to be medicated. All these things are little miracles.

Here is my friend being really creepy!

It's funny how quickly I forget how much gratitude I feel in my life. Just yesterday I was at a meeting for the Alternative Spring Break program that I'm going on with Hillel. I thought all night how lucky I am to have this chance to go help and meet the people of New Orleans this spring break. I also had rehearsal last night for Vagina Monologues, something else in my life that I am so thankful for. Thankful that I made it into the show, thankful for the wonderful women I've met. I am just so deep in gratitude for all the amazing things going on in my life, that it is a shock to find such self-pity today.

I keep a journal, outside of this e-journal. I use it to record my dreams and various quotes I find and enjoy. I think I will also make it a gratitude journal. It may be all over the place but it will remind me who I am. I am a dreamer, a life-long student, and gracious.

I'll close with a song that I think speaks to this...and is just a really great song. (Just Breathe- Pearl Jam)

Me, Myself and I

The song above^ (Be By Myself by Asher Roth) kind of describes my attitude at the moment. I actually came to know this song through my ex. Only now does it feel fitting of my life.

I haven't been in a serious relationship for about a year now. Which for me is relatively unheard of. It has taken me a LONG time to get here. Sure I've had a few slip ups along the road, the decision to sleep with my ex again over the summer was not one of my wiser choices. However, I also was able to go tell him to shove it over winter break :)

The Actual Conversation-Stupid Boy

I never thought I could function without someone steady in my life. Someone to text when I couldn't fall asleep at night, or hang out with on the weekends. This has been a huge period of growth for me. I was able to find Bri, in a context other than "Bri and (insert generic guy's name here)" and I like her a lot. She is creative, loud, funny, strong. Yet she is also shy, reclusive, sensitive, and smart. Let me tell you, she is ridiculously caring.

Girls Night Out with My Friends :)

Aaaalright...I'm feeling weird talking in third person so lets switch perspective here.
I've taken a lot more risks being single, like making friends even when I'm feeling super shy. Or going out on the weekends even when I'd rather stay in and sleep. I go places and do lots of things by myself. You think this wouldn't be a huge accomplishment for a 20 year old, but it's huge! I have a much fatter wallet without the presence of a significant other. I've even learned that sometimes loneliness is better than choosing someone who isn't the right fit for you. I never thought I'd be the one to end a relationship because the other person liked me more, but I did.

I am slowly learning what I want, and who I am. I'm not quite there yet so I'm not ready for another serious relationship right now. I just want to take things super slow, and have fun being my own person!

Sometimes I still miss having someone there to hold me, or tell me I'm beautiful. I'm sad I won't have someone special at my shows, but I'll have my friends and they mean so much to me. I occasionally resent couples who can never leave each other's side, but I think thats out of personal preference and not loneliness. Maybe I'll meet someone special who loves Doctor Who, listens to The Decemberists, and enjoys deep conversations. Maybe I won't, but thats okay, because I do! And I will always have myself!

“Something inside you emerges….an innate, indwelling peace, stillness, aliveness. It is the unconditioned, who you are in your essence. It is what you had been looking for in the love object. It is yourself.”
- Eckhart Tolle

And now another a song to end with (The Way I Am by Ingrid Michealson). This is what I'm looking for in my next relationship :)